----- Original Message -----
From: Alejandra Dominguez
To: eshemtov@hbdl.uy
Sent: Saturday, June 04, 2004
Subject: Question
Dear Eliezer,
My name is Alejandra Dominguez, I am Argentinian, 24 years old. I live in Buenos Aires.
I was born into a Catholic family, I was baptized, had communion and was confirmed. I never really had much faith and today I find myself completely distant from faith and the church.
About two years ago I met a boy in a bar in Buenos Aires. I later found out that he was Jewish... Our relationship continued, he lived for a while in Australia and our long distance relationship continued via email. He then returned to Buenos Aires and our relationship continued happily. We met our respective families and friends and right from the beginning he brought up the subject of circumcision and having any boys born to us circumcised.
Right from the outset he addressed the issue of his need for raising a Jewish
family... I, having little knowledge about the matter, always said that we would
be able to reconcile the two cultures. But the feeling in him was very strong,
so strong as to sometimes be totally incomprehensible. I was willing to cede and
have my sons circumcised and join a Jewish club according to his wishes... but I
think that it wasn't enough for him because about a month ago he decided to
break off the relationship. I still feel much pain because of the whole
situation and I cannot stop thinking about Judaism and what it means to be a Jew.
I came across your article about Intermarriage and although I understand intellectually the explanations that you give, I would like to ask you something regarding the Old Testament. I was reading the book of Ruth. How do the Jews explain the story of Ruth the Moabite who marries a Jew and is accepted?
I repeat, even though I understand rationally the reasons that you give as to
why a Jew must marry a Jewess... I cannot understand it from the point of view
of love. I deeply believe that when one has love and desire to share one's life
with someone, it's more than enough of a reason to "rebel against the holy writings".
These issues are very emotional and very personal... as was my boyfriend's decision.
I believe that the freedom to choose the person with whom one wants to share one's life is something that no one should be deprived of. I feel that the
weight that Judaism transmits to the children from a very young age is very great, and the conflicts and contradictions that a Jewish man that falls in love
with a woman that is not Jewish encounters are very deep and painful.
The bitter feeling that I have is great. Excuse me for invading you with personal matters about which I cannot stop thinking.
Thank you for reading my letter.
Best regards,
Alejandra.
(2)
eshemtov@hbdl.uy replied:
Dear Alejandra,
Thank you for your mail. I would like to assure you that you haven't invaded
my privacy with your letter and you have no reason to apologize.
I can imagine the emotional torment that you must be going through. "Why
should I be deprived of the love of my life because of some rules defined
thousands of years ago by who knows who?"
It must be very difficult for you and I would like to attempt to help you.
In your mail I perceived two concrete questions:
1) Why did your Jewish boyfriend reject you as a marriage partner if we see
that the Scriptures tell us that Ruth the Moabite was accepted as a Jewess?
2) How does one reconcile the conflict between the mind and the heart?
As far as the story of Ruth is concerned, the answer is very simple. Ruth
converted to Judaism. "Your people is my people; your G-d is my G-d." (Ruth,
1:16).
As a matter of fact, one of the reasons that we read the book of Ruth during
the festival of Shavuot is because Shavuot commemorates the giving of the Torah
at Mount Sinai and its acceptance by the Jewish people, and Ruth personifies the
personal acceptance of the Torah.
Judaism does not forbid the Jew to marry someone from a non Jewish origin who
has converted to Judaism. Of course, the conversion must be carried out
according to the requirements of Judaism.
As far as the rational/emotional conflict:
It is very common for the mind and heart to disagree; they have totally
different natures and points of reference. Judaism insists that the one that
must rule is the mind. Sometimes a person can convince his own heart through
persuasive means and channel the feeling properly; at others one has no choice
but to be authoritative and impose upon one's heart with a personal discipline
of steel.
I don't know if these brief lines are of any help to you. In any case, I
would welcome your comments and I am at your service in order to continue
clarifying this matter or any other that may be within my ability.
Sincerely,
Eliezer
(3)
From: Alejandra Dominguez
To: shemtov
Sent: Saturday, June 04, 2004
Subject: Re: Question
Dear Eliezer,
Thank you for your response to my email.
It's just like you describe it: the emotional torment that I am going through
is very great.
Thank you for your explanation regarding the book of Ruth. I will continue
reading the books. I would like to know if I can send you more questions when
they come up as I study, because it is much easier to study when you have a
guide.
I am very interested to be able to understand all of this. I do not like the
idea of going through life without understanding what is happening around me in
general and especially that which is happening to me. Besides, I have my heart
in engineering and, as a good engineer, I cannot refrain from thinking about the
whys and hows. This time it is regarding my own personal emotional life and it
touches the deepest part of my soul.
I understand what you say regarding the mind/heart conflict, but from my
point of view, when someone loves... the poor little mind loses its authority. I
don't understand how the mind can dominate the heart. Actually, I do understand
it, but I just can't take it!!!
My boyfriend always talked to me about the importance of maintaining the
Jewish traditions and the effort it implies to be able to do so in a country
such as Argentina where the majority of the population is Catholic and if
someone wishes to maintain his Jewish identity he must remain in a Jewish
environment, otherwise the Catholic environment will simply swallow him up. To
marry me would imply a very big effort (for me as well).
When a Catholic marries a Catholic or when a Jew marries a Jew, I suppose
there are well trodden paths through which those with faith or those who don't
question too much traverse without complicating themselves too much. Our
situation implied creating and building new and different paths. Building these
new paths meant to him that he would be abandoning the dreams that he had since
he was 14 years old... dreams that were born at his Bar Mitzvah... to have a Jewish
home. He always told me about it.
I must say that it is painful for me to think this way. I always told him
that I never dreamt of falling in love with a Jew... It wasn't in my plans...
Since I was a little girl I dreamt of the white dress and the church... But I
always told him that the love is concrete, it is real... It is not a dream that
comes true... I always told him that I would not be able to convert because a
conversion of such a nature, as you well point out in your article, would not be
sincere.
Diego is the first Jewish person with whom I have developed such a personal
relationship. I was educated in a Catholic school and then in the University of
Buenos Aires. Of course there are Jewish students at the University, but I never
had close contact with them and never knew anything about Judaism, its holidays
or its feelings.
I always told him that if he truly loved me, it's because he loved Alejandra,
and that Alejandra comes with a history that is different than his and I am the
Alejandra that I am as a result of my history and my personality which is
different than the Jewish history.
Diego used to tell me that I was a breath of fresh air; that for him a Jewish
girlfriend was very oppressive... Wow! I am getting dizzy from all these
different contradictory feelings... Many say that love should be easier... I
don't know if that is true... I always had the conviction that with work and
struggle you can build... Obviously only if there is love!! Dunno, maybe the
love wasn't enough...
But how can one measure it? How can one measure Jewish identity and culture
which are also a deep feeling and the responsibility to be Jewish and the need
to have Jewish descendants is very strong. This was obviously the most important
issue. Diego wanted a guarantee that his children would feel Jewish... Or at
least do everything within his power that that be so... And 'doing what is
possible' does not include marrying a girl like me...
This whole experience feels like bumping into a great big wall which has been
built many years ago... When I met Diego, I thought the wall had doors (other
than conversion), but, O.K., I realize that for a Jew it is very difficult...
I know couples that are interfaith, they are happy and where able to
reconcile their lives. But I guess every person is different and feels
differently. No?
Thanks for reading what I have to say. I would like to receive your comments.
Best regards,
Alejandra
(4)
eshemtov@hbdl.uy replied:
Dear Alejandra,
I read and reread your mail several times, in an attempt to distil and
identify the most essential elements.
I will begin by trying to help you "understand all of this."
Your boyfriend's rejection can be explained in two ways: 1) that he gave into
an external, social pressure; 2) that he gave into an internal, personal
conflict.
There is a world of a difference between the two possible scenarios.
If his rejection of you were to be a result of ceding to external pressure,
your confusion and anger can be very well understood. "How can it be that the
love you had for one another couldn't resist the external pressures? Is it
possible that I was fooling myself all this time regarding my feelings for him
and his for me?"
But there is a different possibility. It is obvious that you appealed to a
very deep part of him. I have no doubts about the intensity and authenticity of
his feelings for you. I do not know him personally, but most probably he is
agonizing over this as much (or more than) you. "What happened, then?" you might
ask yourself.
Perhaps this is what happened:
Up to a certain point he was totally possessed by his love for you and yours
towards him. He was very sure about the fact that he loves you. But, perhaps he
wasn't very sure about who he was. Perhaps his Judaism wasn't very profound nor
very articulate (it is a very common occurrence amongst Jewish youth that have
been deprived of a true Jewish education) and he didn't see any irreconcilable
contradiction between his being Jewish and his love for you. Maybe he also
thought that he might be able to find a point of entry (or escape...) in that
millennia-old wall that separates between Jews and non Jews. But, in spite of
all the logical, rational arguments he realized that it was a no-go. It is
irreconcilable. One had to choose and discard one over the other. And he made
his choice.
You might ask yourself: What is it that he saw in his Jewishness that was so
strong as to make him choose that over you in spite of all the pain that it
implies? Was it simply a matter of wanting to see his Bar Mitzvah dreams come
true?
I doubt it.
According to Jewish beliefs, every Jew is born with a soul that has certain
characteristics that distinguish it from those that are not Jewish. The Jewish
people as a whole, and each Jew as an individual, have a special mission to
fulfil. Even when a Jew is not aware of all the details, s/he feels it in the
deepest recesses of his or her being. It may be that in his daily life he might
not be very practicing, but that is due to the fact that he doesn't believe or
feel that he jeopardizes his condition as a Jew if he neglects to fulfil this or
that precept. But every Jew has his red lines. Every Jew has a clear idea of
where the limit is; that by crossing over it, he would be disassociating himself
from his G-d, people, his own very essence and his very own children!
Wanting to have Jewish children is not necessarily egoistical. It reflects a
deep-seated feeling of responsibility towards one's past and towards one's own
children. You have come up against a very deeply rooted instinct. He probably
would like to marry you; he simply cannot.
He does not want to betray his people and he does not want that his children
be disconnected from their own father's People.
Another point:
According to Jewish mystical teachings, marriage implies a reunion between
two halves of one unit. There cannot be a reunion between two souls that are
essentially different and incompatible. There might be compatibility up to a
certain point, but not on an essential level. True, there can be friendship. But
marriage entails more than friendship and cannot function when both are
essentially different.
I agree with your aversion to cosmetic conversions. There is no reason for
you to convert to something that you are not and do not share in the depths of
your soul. True conversion is meant to give expression to one's deepest beliefs
and feelings, not deny or hide them.
The following sentence in your mail made me laugh:
"I understand what you say regarding the mind/heart conflict, but from my
point of view, when someone loves... the poor little mind loses its authority. I
don't understand how the mind can dominate the heart. Actually, I do understand
it, but I just can't take it!!!"
It reminded me of the definition I once read regarding the difference between
a psychotic and a neurotic. The psychotic thinks that 2+2=5; the neurotic knows
that 2+2=4 but he just can't take it... :)
As far as the interfaith couples that you know who seem to be happily
married: 1) One never knows what happens in the private lives of others; 2)
sometimes people are forced to make peace with situations that they would rather
not have created to begin with, but it is already too late...
I hope that the ideas expressed in this mail are useful.
Anxiously awaiting your reply, I remain,
Sincerely,
Eliezer
(5)
eshemtov@hbdl.uy replied: replied:
Dear Alejandra:
Did you get my mail of yesterday?
Eliezer
(6)
----- Original Message -----
From: Alejandra Dominguez
To: shemtov
Sent: Monday, June 06, 2004
Subject: Re: Question
Dear Eliezer,
Yes, I received it. Thanks. I read it this morning very attentively. I will
send you my reply this very evening. Due to the fact that I work all day, I
cannot reply earlier.
Regards
Alejandra
(7)
----- Original Message -----
From: Alejandra Dominguez
To: shemtov
Sent: Monday, June 06, 2004
Subject: Re: Question
Dear Eliezer,
Thank you very much for your mail. Reading your words helped me to understand
more clearly the depth of Diego's decision.
As I said in my previous mails, when I started dating Diego I had absolutely
no idea whatsoever about Judaism. For whatever reason, my whole life experience
had taken place inside the bubble of the Catholic world. That is why it has
taken me several months to realize the true dimension of what has been going on
and I think that I am beginning to understand those feelings somewhat. The third
time that Diego and I dated, he asked me if I would be willing to have our
future sons circumcised. Wow! What a question! It seemed pulled out of a
magician's hat. Why was he asking me that? I wondered. I remember thinking to
myself at that time: whatever for? Why circumcise?
I remember answering: Dunno, I never thought about something like that...
Months passed, spending hours discussing religion, culture, circumcision. I
learned a lot about Jewish beliefs, traditions, holidays, community, Hebraica
[sports club], etc.
He always emphasized that he wanted to create a Jewish family and would say
that it was impossible to do so with me because I'm not Jewish and even if I
would want to and would give everything of myself... I am not Jewish, neither is
my womb, nor my parents, nor my brothers... This barrier is very painful
because, as I mentioned before, I had told him that I was willing to have my
sons circumcised and have them brought up as Jews... But, of course, that was
all I could offer him, and nothing more... I could not offer him to be a Jewish
mother that would take care of the home as a Jewish mother would... He would
have to do almost all of the work... I would not be able to transmit anything of
Judaism... and our children would grow up having questions... who knows... but
the differences cannot be erased... for me it was very painful to feel that Diego
wanted to somehow erase the differences. He once asked me if I would agree to
convert just "on paper' in order to avoid our children having these kinds of
confusions. I said no, I was not capable of doing that because I did not feel
it, and besides one cannot pretend to be able to guarantee beforehand the
feelings of children that will be born in the future.
You can imagine the confusion, the crisis... I always felt very helpless...
One day my mom saw an ad in the paper advertising lectures for "interfaith
couples." They offer workshops that are organized by Jewish psychologists that
try to revisit certain attitudes that couples who are trying to reconcile both
cultures might have. The lectures were very inspiring for both of us... They
awakened within us our deepest religious identity... It only served to remind me
of my childhood, my adolescence... But even before meeting Diego I was pretty
much decided that I would not baptize my children... That I would not be getting
married in church.. That I do not identify with the catholic faith. I suppose
that for him the lectures did awaken his deepest essence... That day we
celebrated the baptism of one of my nephews... So we both went to church and
then to the party. That same evening was Passover, so we went to his parents'
home and I shared the celebration with them. His parents read a text that
explains the meaning of Passover and the feelings that Passover awakens in the
Jews. They did it for me and I felt welcome. But, of course, it was the first
time that the parents did something like that... There I was... The difference
in person. Our relationship advanced and we shared more and more, until one day
he told me: I don't know if I want to have children with you.
For several days after that Diego cried a lot, every time we met or that we
spoke on the phone he cried rivers of tears... and I as well... He told me that
he had considered himself to be a "light" Jew, but that he realized that his
Judaism was very deep and that he felt controlled by it...
But a few days later something unexpected happened... He told me that the
decision had nothing to do with culture or Judaism, it was simply due to the
fact that he no longer loved me, that he no longer felt love... Wow! I
flipped... Today I think that that was the easiest way out, because when you are
told that you are no longer loved, you have no way to respond and to try
developing the relationship. I don't really know. I suppose that, as he told me
several times, he is full of contradictions and very little clarity... I suppose
that with time his thoughts will clear up and he will realize that which you
say: who he really is in essence.
I know that wanting to have Jewish children is not a matter of ego; of course
not. Many members of my family were telling me, "I understand Diego. I would
never be able to marry a Jew because of my beliefs."
I guess one has to give up and think that it's better that it happened now
rather than later, like everyone out there is telling me.
I guess that, like everything else in life, these days of great pain and
sadness will pass and will become part of my memories...
Thank you, once again, for your comments. As I said before, it was very
helpful to me to read them; they helped me to better understand and organize my
thoughts.
Best regards,
Alejandra
(8)
eshemtov@hbdl.uy replied:
Dear Alejandra,
Thank you for sharing all that you did in your mail.
I am very curious to know how what I wrote helped you.
If you have time and the inclination to do so, I would be very thankful were
you to clarify that to me. The reason being that this is a topic that I
encounter very often in one way or another, and I try to learn something new
each time.
There is a sentence in your mail whose meaning I am not sure that I
understood:
"He told me that he had considered himself to be a 'light' Jew, but that he
realized that his Judaism was very deep and that he felt controlled by it... "
If you have the time and are in the mood, I'd appreciate some elaboration.
Sincerely,
Eliezer
(9)
----- Original Message -----
From: Alejandra Dominguez
To: shemtov
Sent: Tuesday, June 07, 2004
Subject: Re: Question
Hi Eliezer,
Your words helped me to think these past few days. (This does not mean that
no one ever told me: the Jews think like this, are like that, feel this way,
that way, but it was only in a general terms.). Seeing things written out helped
me to think.
First and foremost it helped me to think about myself, about what is
important for me, about my feelings, about my own desires as well as about my
"red lines" and limits. Why would I be so willing to give up so much for the
sake of the love for or future with Diego? Why did I want to continue with Diego
even though deep down I knew that nothing I would do would ever be sufficient
for him?
Diego once told me: "I don't want our children to mix with your brother's
children." When he told me that, during one of our countless conversations about
how we would reconcile our differences, I started crying. It is very difficult
to have that said to you. And in spite of it all, I still wanted to continue. I
don't know, it's as if I wanted to continue with the relationship at any cost.
As you see, it is something that I must analyze: why was I willing to
sacrifice so much? At that time I wasn't willing to believe that those barriers
would divide us... I thought that if we loved one another we would be able to
accomplish it. The price is to suffer. I don't think that that is the way of
love and happiness with someone. I doubt it. Anyway, I don't think it makes any
sense to fill myself with remorse and think: why didn't I react earlier? The
positive thing to do is to continue on towards a future relationship.
Diego would always say that was a "light" Jew, meaning that he didn't believe
in G-d or didn't really think about Him very much. He would go to the Synagogue
on Yom Kippur and that's it. He celebrates the traditional holidays with his
family, which are charged more with traditional content than religious. For
example on Passover no one had their kipah on. Traditional food was eaten
but the Seder was not conducted according to the letter of the law.
As far as his friends are concerned, some are dating Catholics, others are
living together with Jewish girls. It's mixed.
Since childhood he has gone to a Jewish school and his parents have always
gone to Hebraica [Jewish sports club]. That is where he spent his childhood
during weekends. He went to Israel, Plan Tapuz at 16. His best friends are from
then.
He calls himself a "light" Jew. But of course, he wants a Jewish home, dreams
about family life the way he had it and well, I don't know what I was doing
there... he-he... in the middle of this whole situation... Not very "light", is
it?
In addition to all of this, he now tells me that he is not in love with me
and that is why he doesn't want to continue with this relationship.
I guess we both wanted the impossible: he wanted me to almost become Jewish
and I wanted him to change his feelings towards me.
What I don't understand is why he feels controlled... he couldn't explain it
to me at the time. He cried a lot and then I didn't ask him again.
What hurts me the most is that this whole big important matter is now being
trivialized by him. He tells me, well, yes, it is an issue like all others... I
don't know, I'm all confused! I tell him: how can you say that it is an issue
like all others? Compared to what?? But he is now trying not to make a big deal
out of it. I don't know why.
I always used to think: OK, you with your beliefs, can celebrate your
holidays and I with my beliefs and my holidays. Even though I may not be
religious, I celebrate Christmas, my family gets together and we give one
another gifts like many Catholic families... right? That may be pretty
reconcilable. The big issue was always the kids and living together.
I have much more to tell you, and since you are interested, I will continue
to do so. I suppose that you have had couples such as us come talk to you.
Right?
Best regards and thanks.
Alejandra.
(10)
eshemtov@hbdl.uy replied:
Dear Alejandra,
Thank you for your clarifications.
I think there are two big subjects in this saga: 1) you; 2) him.
Quite perceptive of me, no? :)
The matter gets more complicated due to the fact that besides the
Jewish/non-Jewish component, we are also dealing here with a man and a woman. By
their very natures, the perspectives and needs of men and women are different.
For a woman, the most important thing is commitment and stability; for the man
the most important thing is conquest and power.
That might explain why you were willing to sacrifice everything for your love
(commitment, stability) and he was willing to sacrifice his love for the sake of
social standing and generational continuity (conquest and power).
It gets more complicated when you add to that equation two very different
histories and identities. You say, very correctly, that you did not want to go
through a false conversion just in order to please someone. That wouldn't be
coherent with your own true self.
I find that statement to be very interesting. It means that you know that
being Jewish is more than a lifestyle; it is a condition, a definition of what
one is in essence. It therefore follows that if you are not Jewish, why fool
yourself with a senseless conversion?
I say that I find it interesting, because many people do NOT have it that
clear and as a result ruin the lives of many. They think that by taking a course
and paying a few pesos for someone to sign a "membership certificate" that's
enough to make them Jewish, and in the case of a woman, enough to make her
children Jewish.
But whom are they fooling? They might be able to join a community that does
not know or care about the truth and accept them as Jews. But 20-30 years down
the road, when their son or daughter will want to marry, they will then find out
that they have been fooled and are essentially not Jewish. Is that right? But,
of course, the only way to understand the magnitude of the farce is if one
accepts the premise that being Jewish is a condition and not merely a lifestyle.
One is not Jewish because he celebrates Passover, for example, but the contrary:
one has the obligation to celebrate Passover because he or she is a Jew.
Many people believe that by making it easier for the boyfriend or girlfriend to convert we are gaining two souls instead of losing them. This argument would make sense if becoming Jewish would be like joining a sports club, where the
less requirements made, the more members sign up. If, however, we are talking about an "essence," then by lessening the requirements, we are not gaining anything; we are simply redefining and diluting the character, the raison d'etre, of
those that are already in (thereby doing them a great injustice)...
So, I congratulate you for having so clear what it means to be a Jew and that
you are not one.
I would like to point out that interfaith marriage is not only wrong for the
Jewish partner, but also for the non Jewish one.
The Jew and non-Jew have two completely different roles to play in the global
scheme of Creation, and neither one of them can carry out his or her mission
adequately with a marriage partner that does not share the same essential
condition and role.
They might be able to live with apparent harmony as long as they suppress
their real differences. The day either one of them 'wakes up' and wants to
express their true identity, it becomes intolerable (for both of them).
The example I often use is that of a bird and a fish that become friends
while vacationing on the surface of the lake. They are very attracted by the
freedom that they see in each other ("Breath of fresh air"). The bird admires
the ease with which the fish is able to swim in the depths of the lake and the
fish admires the capacity that the bird has to fly to the greatest heights. They
want to marry and live happily ever after.
It is self understood that this relationship can function only as long as
they are both on the surface, without expressing their respective natures. As
soon as either one of them decides to express its nature, the other one will
remain abandoned...
OK, one thing that has been established is that you are not a Jew. The
question remains, then, what are you?
Where do you come from? Where are you going to? And, what is the purpose of
your existence?
Perhaps, once you have answers to these questions, you will realize that it
is not only that you were not good for him but that neither was he good for you.
What do you think?
Sincerely,
Eliezer
P.S. No, there are not that many couples that come to consult with me about
this matter. I guess it is due to the fact that they imagine what my position
will be and they are not interested in hearing it either because they disagree
with it or because they do not want to hear something that might interfere with
their plans and philosophy (maybe because deep down they know that what they are
doing is incorrect, like the "neurotic" I described to you the other day...)
(11)
----- Original Message -----
From: Alejandra Dominguez
To: shemtov
Sent: Wednesday, June 08, 2004
Subject: Re: Question
Hello, Eliezer.
Thank you for your mail.
And yes... that's the way it is. Diego was not for me. I couldn't, and wouldn't
be able to, be happy with him.
The answers to the questions at the end of your mail are being 'processed'...
At the beginning I didn't have any clarity regarding what it means to be a
Jew. I gradually learned... basically through Diego... and today I can see it with
much more clarity... without my vision getting clouded by love, I think.. he-he..
I really like this exchange of ideas and feelings with you. They are
enriching. When I read your article on Intermarriage, I obviously realized that
you do not agree with them, based on what you wrote as well as your previous
emails.
That is precisely the reason that I wrote to you, looking for deeper
explanations as to why not. It is very important to me to be able to understand
the depth of people thoughts and then to analyse them.
In one of those meetings on Interfaith Marriage that we used to go to, one of
the coordinators mentioned that a couple made up of a Jewish man and non-Jewish
woman were married and had children. He never cared about his Judaism. Today his
children are 3-4 years old and today he feels that he would like to express his
Jewishness and have Jewish children. At this point it is much more complicated.
In the introductory class, there was a 40 year old woman, Jewish, separated
from her Catholic husband. She was there because her daughter, already an
adolescent, doesn't feel Jewish and this causes her much pain. And today, like
you said, it is a little late to 'untravel' some roads...
The more I got to know Diego the more I came to realize the strength of his
very special feeling of identity. There was something in that being Jewish that
always attracted me, the feeling of community, belonging, attachment. Like
everything else, it can bring great happiness and at times it can cause lots of
sorrow. But, what can I say, one does not get to choose where to be born; one is
born, is educated, made and formed and it is very unlikely that one can change
that which one carries deep within himself... because he would be changing his
very being...
Question: Do you prepare children for their Bar/Bat Mitzvah? What does the
preparation consist of? And what is the significance of that particular stage in
the life of a Jew?
Cordially,
Alejandra
(12)
eshemtov@hbdl.uy replied:
Dear Alejandra,
I will patiently await the answers to the three questions... : )
In the meantime:
Since you give me the impression that you don't mind sharing with me your
internal process of this whole 'situation,' I will dare the following comment.
I am curious to understand how is it that you made peace with the situation
so quickly. In less than a week you came from feeling (in your first mail) that
"love... is more than enough of a reason to 'rebel against the holy scriptures'"
to saying (in your most recent mail) that "yes... that's the way it is. Diego was
not what I needed".
It seems to be a pretty sudden change. Wouldn't you say?
I realize that it is a pretty audacious question, but I am asking it in order
to better be able to analyse the phenomenon that people tend to call "love." Did
you have it and then lost it? Did you perhaps never really have it? Was it a
mirage? How can one tell if the love he feels towards someone is real or
imagined?
Before sharing with you what I think about it, I am interested to know your
personal perspective.
With regard to your question about Bar/Bat Mitzvah classes: It has been many
years since I have given formal Bar Mitzvah classes. Tonight, one of my own
children will be becoming a Bar Mitzvah. I understand that we have been
preparing him since he was born, and even before then. Bar Mitzvah means
"son of the commandments." It means that the commandments of the Torah
(mitzvahs) are the points of reference that define him. Bar Mitzvah is the
natural step in a life led according to a Torah-true value system. When a child
reaches the age of Bar Mitzvah, it is the natural transition between the period
of 'training' to the stage when he 'plays for real.'
For many people, the Bar Mitzvah celebration is a good bye party, whereby one
is liberated of Judaism; for us it is a welcome party, welcoming the boy into a
life of responsibility and subservience (to G-d).
OK, at this time of night my neurons are not functioning at their full
capacity, so I guess I'll sign off by wishing you good night.
Sincerely,
Eliezer
(13)
----- Original Message -----
From: Alejandra Dominguez
To: shemtov
Sent: Thursday, June 09, 2004
Subject: Re: Question
Dear Eliezer,
Over a month ago one of my brothers told me: if you really want him, fight
for him. It has been over a month that I have been going through all sorts of
feelings. The first two weeks I couldn't stop crying... the pain... the sudden
emptiness... the pain that is caused when the person that you love and with whom
you imagined living the rest of your life doesn't want to continue... Today I do
not cry like I did at the beginning... today I am much more calm.. but the pain
is still there. How can one fight for someone who tells you no, who for whatever
reason cannot or doesn't want to share his life with you... I am also angry
because of those great barriers... and no, I did not make peace with anything... but
I do have one thing clear, that if Diego cannot include me in his life... I can
reason and realize that that will not make me happy. A couple, a marriage is
made up of two partners... it must be reciprocal, and I want a life full of love...
the pain you have as a result of feeling that the other party does not want or
cannot be with you is great... I guess it is a defence mechanism for me to say:
Diego was not for me...
Diego is one. And that Diego also includes the fact that he is Jewish... that
is why I would always say: I loved you as a Jew... it is a package deal... what
hurts me is when I realize that he wanted and wants to share his life with
someone that will give him what he needs. I cannot transform myself, I do not
want to be that which he needs. I am a person, not a piece of play dough.
But the fact of the matter is that he told me NO.
And inside of me that is what I am left with... with that NO. That NO helped me
to continue on, to reason that with a person that tells you NO, one cannot be
happy.
I don't think that what I felt for him has vanished, I simply believe that I
had to start little by little to store it for myself; maybe to use it for
myself, to take care of myself.
All these feelings together express themselves in contradictory statements...
but I want you to know that when I go to sleep, when I connect myself with the
happy moments, when I connect myself with the emptiness that I feel because he
is not there anymore, I feel a lot of pain and a sense of not knowing what to do
with what I feel.
I cannot go through the days and continue living with the hope that he will
return, that he will change, that he might say: ah noooo... I don't care about
anything, I love Alejandra. (Even though deep down one always keeps a space open
for those moments where one imagines that life will change). Today this seems
like an impossibility. Impossible, because I now understand a bit more (thanks
to you, for example) what it means for Diego to be a Jew. I think I understand
him a little more.
I now have a need to understand, to comprehend... but I also have a need to see
what is happening to me... it has all happened very recently and my feelings are
in a blender and when they stopped getting chopped up, one comes out different
and says different things than before.
I hope all this explains why my changes appear to be so drastic.
What do you think?
Cordially,
Alejandra.
(14)
eshemtov@hbdl.uy replied:
Dear Alejandra,
Thank you again for the speed and extent of your reply.
It seems to me that we must still explore and define if in this whole episode
you have lost something or gained something. Probably both; you
lost an impossible love, but you gained the experience that will allow
you to now look for and find a possible love. Maybe that is the benefit
you can reap from the 'blender' situation...
The society in which we live today tends to explain love as something that
happens to you rather than something that you generate. In other words, that
guy/girl dazzled me and I became lovestruck. You can also hear the term "fall
out of love."
Now, how does this phenomenon called "love" work?
People generally understand love as the most important acquisition in one's
life; marrying someone you 'love' means having someone who will make you feel
loved, who will accompany you and make you happy. In truth, it's quite the
contrary. True love is synonymous with self-abnegation. When I love someone it
is not because he or she will make me happy, but because I want to make that
person happy.
Love that is caused by being dazzled is very vulnerable and is subject to
change. If the other person doesn't interest me any more, I "fall out of love."
If, however, my love is born out of a deep commitment to make the other person
happy, come hell or high water, it is practically indestructible, because it
does not depend on what the other person does or does not do.
A husband should I love his wife because of who she is, not because of what or how she
is...
It is an unconditional love, not subject to change. 'All Transactions are
Final. No Refunds or Exchanges.'
How can a person attain such a level of commitment with another person?
Tadal!! The million dollar question.... : )
Love is a conscious decision and a deep commitment. I decide to love that
person because.... He or she is my spouse, parent, sibling, child, etc.
One usually loves oneself unconditionally. Why? Because. One does not love
oneself because he considers himself intelligent, beautiful, rich or strong. It
works the other way around: it is because one loves oneself that he thinks that
he is beautiful, intelligent, wealthy and strong.
When we are dealing with love for one's spouse, belief in Divine Providence
plays an important role. If she is my soulmate, the other half of my being, I
will love and cherish her, no matter what she does, because she is a part of my
very self. And everything that she will do is beautiful, valuable, precious and
spectacular. Not because I ignore reality, but because love defines reality.
Did you ever see the smile on a father's face when his child brings home a
"piece of art" from kindergarten? The love the father has for his child makes
him see the scribbling as if it were the greatest piece of art in the world.
Does he love his child because the child paints like Picasso? Or does he,
blinded by love, think that Picasso does not come up to the ankles of his child
in artistic talent?
Of course, one cannot have this type of love for someone that is essentially
different than oneself. One may, yes, have a conditional "love" that appeals to
one or more specific interests (physical, emotional, intellectual)... but he will
never come to love unconditionally someone--who is essentially different--who
does not anymore satisfy the original specific interest. He simply "falls out of
love" (due to the fact that he was never really in love with the other person,
but with himself...).
That is why I say: you lost an impossible love and you gained the possibility
to look for and find a possible love...
OK, the only neuron that has still remained awake is about to fall asleep, so
I guess I will say good bye for now, awaiting your response.
Sincerely,
Eliezer
(15)
----- Original Message -----
From: Alejandra Dominguez
To: shemtov
Sent: Saturday, June 11, 2004
Subject: Re: Question
Dear Eliezer,
When there are so many conditions, demands, and complaints towards the other
person to be or feel a certain way in order to then be able to "love" them... and
yes, that is not a deep love... it is not "I love you as you are and I want to
make you happy"...
I myself am surprised by the mix of emotions that one can have in a span of a
few hours... yesterday I read your mail and I felt very bad... not because of what I
read... but because of my own feelings... the most painful ones come knocking at
night... and this morning... I can say: yes, it's finished because it was destined
to fail from the very beginning.
I imagine that time will have its effect, healing the open wounds... because
today (as I mentioned) I have many mixed feelings... but I think that sometimes I
can go out of myself and analyse things from the outside and ask myself
questions from that perspective.
Thank you very much for your mails. They helped me think.
I would like to ask you: I know that Shabbat is a day of rest, but besides
the ceremony on Friday night in the synagogue... do you get together with your
family at night to eat? And, what do you do on Saturday?
Cordially,
Alejandra.
(16)
eshemtov@hbdl.uy replied:
Dear Alejandra,
Life is mysterious. The important thing is to learn from everything that
happens to us and continue on strengthened by the experience.
Personally, I consider this dialogue with you to be Heaven sent. It forced me
to articulate and express very important ideas and concepts.
Thank you for the opportunity.
I think that many people may benefit from reading this dialogue, being that
it deals with topics that interest everybody but seldom do they have clear
definitions or access to them...
As far as your feelings are concerned, all I can do is give you the space and
time necessary for you to recover. Regarding the intellectual aspect, you still
"owe" me answers to the three questions: Where do you come from? Where are you
going to? What are you here for? The objective of these questions is to try and
define what it is that you DO consider yourself to be, besides just the status
of "non-Jew."
Regarding your questions about Shabbat:
Shabbat is the weekly reconfirmation of the fact that G-d created the world
in six days, rested on the seventh and sanctified it for all of posterity.
Divine rest has, obviously, nothing to do with resting from strain and
effort, because we cannot apply the concepts of tiredness and depletion of
energy to G-d who is infinite. The Divine rest that we talk about and
commemorate implies abstention from creating. Creating is not always synonymous
with effort, just like effort is not necessarily synonymous with creating. If I
turn on my car's ignition, I create combustion, for example, even though it does
not require that much effort. If, however, I walk 10 kilometres, I have strained
myself, but have created absolutely nothing. That is why on Shabbat, the holy
day of rest, it is forbidden to use the car and it is not forbidden to walk 10
kilometres within the city limits, even though the latter is a much more
strenuous activity than the former.
Shabbat, then, is the day we 'unplug' from our involvement with the conquest
and transformation of the world around us, and in its place we dedicate
ourselves to our own personal internal, spiritual world. In the language of
Jewish Mysticism: the six days of Creation express G-d's "spoken" words, while
Shabbat expresses G-d's "thoughts."
We do not use electricity on Shabbat. As a result of that, there are many
distractions that do not compete for our time and attention on Shabbat and we
can calmly dedicate ourselves to strengthening our relationship with G-d, the
family, the community and ourselves, through prayer, the study of Torah,
meditation, song, time with the family and with oneself.
I hope that this has answered your question.
Sincerely,
Eliezer
P.S. I am curious to know: how did you find me?
(17)
----- Original Message -----
From: Alejandra Dominguez
To: shemtov
Sent: Sunday, June 12, 2004
Subject: Re: Question
Dear Eliezer,
Tomorrow, with more clarity of mind and time I will send you my comments.
I will just tell you that about a week ago I entered Google looking for
information about marriage and intermarriage, and, by chance, came across the
website of the Jewish community of Uruguay. I imagine that that is where you
live.
I read your article about intermarriage posted there and decided to write
you.
I must continue studying now... I have only three exams left before I get my
degree.
Best regards and good night.
Alejandra.
(18)
eshemtov@hbdl.uy replied:
I am quoting your last mail in itallics. My comments will appear in regular type.
Tomorrow, with more clarity of mind and time I will send you my comments.
OK. I just want to inform you that beginning with sundown tomorrow until
Tuesday night we will be celebrating the holiday of Shavuot and I will not be
using the computer...
I will just tell you that about a week ago I entered Google looking for
information about marriage and intermarriage, and, by chance, came across the
website of the Jewish community of Uruguay. I imagine that that is where you
live.
By "chance"?? No such thing...
I read your article about Intermarriage posted there and decided to write
you.
Good decision. : )
I must continue studying now... I have only three exams left before I get my
degree.
Good luck!
Best regards and good night.
Ditto.
Alejandra.
Eliezer
(19)
----- Original Message -----
From: Alejandra Dominguez
To: shemtov
Sent: Sunday, June 12, 2004
Subject: Re: Question
Dear Eliezer,
What a question! How do I define myself besides being a non-Jew? Truthfully,
I never before thought of myself in terms of being a non-Jew (that is, until I
met Diego). Thinking in such terms is like a negation, no? It elevates the
Jewish Identity and leaves the others in the dust...
But in fact, wow, it is difficult to think about and define one's essence. I
think that my essence and identity is a mix of many things... things that I was
born with, that I was "nurtured," that were taught to me, that were transmitted
through words, actions or omissions... and so many others that I myself chose
later on in life, then rejected and ran away from in order to choose new ones
that I liked, that attracted me and that I felt comfortable with...
My essence has to do with the deepest part of my being... with the values that
I have, how I look at the world and how I live... and how I feel... but as far as a
religious identity is concerned.. (which is also part of one's being, one can
identify it analytically) I do not have it clear... a month ago I thought... how
great it would be to be able to feel the faith... that way I would be able to pray
and think that there is a reason why G-d is taking Diego away from me and I
thought that having that faith would help in moments such as these...
I suppose that the strength comes from the unconditional love that one has
for oneself... and from the great shake-ups... I feel that I have been shaken up
very badly... and it is in moments such as these when one doesn't know, at least I
don't, where to grab on to!
I, too, thank you for the opportunity of this dialogue. Words are always very
helpful.
Cordially,
Alejandra
(20)
eshemtov@hbdl.uy replied:
Dear Alejandra,
Now that you mention it, yes, it's does sound a bit strange to ask "What are
you, besides being a non-Jew?" But the question was asked after pointing out
that your incompatibility with Diego was a result of the fact that he is Jewish,
which makes him essentially different than you. Now, if his essence is different
than yours, it follows to say that your essence must have a definition (besides
just defining it as 'not like his'), that makes you essentially incompatible
with him.
In other words, my question was asked precisely in order to try and discover
a deeper and more independent dimension in your definition of your identity.
If I understood your answer correctly, what you are saying is this: I do not
have a defined essence. I am a conglomerate of ideas, values, sensations,
desires, objectives, satisfactions, frustrations, etc. I change and grow
according to circumstances. I am a circumstantial being; not an essential one.
[In Spanish there is a difference between 'Soy' and 'Estoy', both meaning 'I
am', the former referring to essential conditions, the latter to circumstantial
ones. She writes in the original: No 'soy'; 'estoy'. Trans.]
Did I understand correctly what you wanted to say?
If that is what you wanted to say, I ask you: Is it true that we're merely
circumstantial beings? Is it true that we have no essential reason for being?
Is it true that we are born into this world by accident and that we pass on
from this world as a result of some other accident?
Are you sure that this is true? Or is that you are not sure that it is not
this way?
What are the other alternatives?
I don't know if these questions will mean anything to you or not, so I will
wait for your reply.
Sincerely,
Eliezer
(21)
----- Original Message -----
From: Alejandra Dominguez
To: shemtov
Sent: Monday, June 20, 2004
Subject: Re: Question
Dear Eliezer,
How are you doing?
First of all, I would like to tell you that I read your mail several times
during the past few days and I did not reply because I was thinking about the
answers... (especially to some of the questions)
Regarding the issue of essential/circumstantial being... I firmly believe that
I am an essential person, that I have an essence... and contrary to what I may
have said earlier, I judge and feel circumstances according to my essence and
according to who I am... according to my deepest feelings.
I do not consider myself to be an accident... Neither do I know if I have a
specific mission to accomplish in this life... I am not sure about that... I do not
know if there is a G-d or if there is a life after the one on earth... I don't
know... I doubt it... About three weeks ago my Grandmother passed away... and it is
the first close death that I have experienced... and one... at least I do ... asks
oneself at a moment like this what is life and what are we here for? I do not
know...
I suppose that today, in retrospect, I can say that Diego's essence and mine
were incompatible... as a result of all that we have been discussing in our
dialogue... and because of what I myself am feeling as time goes on.
I still have ringing in my head your words "possible love"... I have the hope
and know that I will find that love... and when I will eventually find it, I will
notify you by email.
And when I will find myself, and find answers to some of the questions (that
is, if you want me to) I will also let you know.
Again, I am very happy to have had this dialogue and to continue it with you.
I don't know why, but it occurred to me to send you a photo of Diego and me... so
that you know the faces of the personalities of this dialogue... It is an old
photo...
Thanks, again.
Cordially,
Alejandra
(22)
eshemtov@hbdl.uy replied:
Dear Alejandra,
Thank you for your mail and photo.
I will let you have a breather in order to allow you to think about the
pending questions...
I am sorry about your grandmother... It must be difficult to 'process' the
death of your grandmother while at the same time processing your own personal
situation. On the other hand, perhaps the two events 'complement' one another
and help put things into their proper perspective...
When you reach any conclusions, or if you want to explore any other topic,
please feel free to contact me...
Sincerely,
Eliezer
P.S. I think that the concepts analysed and developed in our dialogue can be
useful to many others. Would you mind if I publish it, changing your names in
order to protect your privacy?
(23)
----- Original Message -----
From: Alejandra Dominguez
To: shemtov
Sent: Wednesday, June 21, 2004
Subject: Re: Question
Dear Eliezer,
The sorrows are different as well as the pains. Somehow one sorrow helped to
contextualize the other, which does mean to say that it has diminished. As time
goes on it assumes a different shape but the wounds and scars have not yet
healed. Time and I myself will help.
Thank you very much for this dialogue. I am happy that I had it. It would not
bother me if you were to publish it somewhere and if it is helpful to someone,
somehow, they are welcome to it. Every experience is different, mine just
happens to be a frustrated one. I would not expect it to serve as an example to
discourage any interfaith couple, but yes as a catalyst to stop and think about
certain things...
If you do publish it anywhere (obviously using pseudonyms) I would like to
ask that you tell me where it has been published.
These days I have been a bit quiet. When I reach any conclusions or if I have
anything to say, I will surely send it to you.
Cordial regards and, again, thank you.
Alejandra
