Like most women, I love flowers.
My favorite is a dozen or more long-stemmed, freshly cut red roses. But a
bouquet of any brilliant assortment -- whether orchids, petunias or birds of
paradise, will always bring a smile to my face.
My husband knows of this weakness of mine. He uses it to his advantage
whenever he wants to win my heart or gain forgiveness for any of the misdeeds
that husbands are so well known for.
The other evening, as my husband was heading out the front door, I reminded
him of his promise to be back promptly at 7:30. I was teaching a class at 8 o'clock
and had some errands to take care of beforehand. I impressed upon him the need
for me to leave on time as I urged him not to lose sight of his watch or become
sidetracked.
At exactly 7:31, I was waiting impatiently by the front door, peering down
the block for our gray van. By 7:45, I was pacing frantically up and down my
front corridor nervously eyeing the clock, and by 7:53, when my husband finally
sauntered up our front steps, I could barely contain myself.
Thrusting an exquisite bouquet into my arms, he announced that he had passed
a stand selling especially beautiful flowers. Proudly he explained that, knowing
how much I love flowers, he decided to stop and was "a little" delayed in
the process.
Had I not been as rushed as I was, I would have found my tongue, and contrary
to my husband's perception, would have expressed just how enraged I was.
Instead, I wordlessly grabbed the keys, dumped the flowers and stormed out the
door.
Shelving my plans for any errands, and running a few stop signs along the
way, I arrived at my lecture, nerves ravaged, just in the nick of time.
After a few moments, I calmed down and could actually teach. The many
participants were, as usual, women from a wide variety of backgrounds exploring
their spirituality via the teachings of Torah and Chassidism.
As the class came to its conclusion, one student, Diane asked why organized
religion was so vital. "Why not just feel G-d in our hearts? After all, what
is the need for all the do's and don'ts of Judaism?"
I thought for a moment. Suddenly the analogy struck me.
I relayed to the women the evening's events, prior to my arrival at the
class. I asked if they thought I was justified in being upset with my husband's
purchase.
As sister women, I was certain of their response. Of course, they thought
such behavior was completely uncalled for.
"But why?" I questioned. "What was wrong with him doing something he
thought I would like?"
"You told him that you needed him home on time and he totally
disregarded that. He was too self-absorbed to understand your perspective, your
need to be on time. He just doesn't get it." Diane articulated what some of
the others were thinking.
"Yes, but he came late in order to buy me a present. Doesn't that prove
his love?" I was playing devil's advocate.
Diane was insistent. "True, he wanted to please you. But on his
terms, not yours. He was disregarding your explicit wish and need in order to do
something that he imagined you would enjoy."
"I guess that is what Torah is all about," I said. "G-d tells us His
terms -- what He needs from our relationship. Sure, we can then bypass His
wishes -- and even do something wonderful and benevolent. We may even have Him
in mind. But ultimately, isn't that acting on our own terms, disregarding His?
We may not always understand His needs or wants. But Torah is G-d's explicit
communication with us, telling us this is what I need, this is what is important
for Me. This is what you can do to have a relationship with Me. Maybe it doesn't
make sense to you. Maybe you understand, maybe you don't; but this is what I
want you to do."
When I came home later that evening, the roses were adeptly arranged in a
crystal vase on the kitchen table. By the foot of the vase, lay a small card.
It was a sincere apology note.
I guess even husbands sometimes do get it.
